so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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