I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
