I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
