Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
They took my balls.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
