i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
