I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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