Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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