dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
