Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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