Got a toothbrush?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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