im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Randomize
