I think i peed on brittanys purse
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
