If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
