Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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