I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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