i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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