can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
