My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
