Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
