the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
