I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
