Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
