I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
