drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
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It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
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Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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