can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
