Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
