woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
