so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
that is very illegal...i love you.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
