my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
