girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
