I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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