So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
