You smell like stripper and shame
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
