someone threw a dead crab at me
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Text me some of your sweat
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
