***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
