i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
Randomize
