found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Randomize
