Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Hippo gnu deer
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
