Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
me + whiskey = a bad person
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