thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
