i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
