A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
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