you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
PS: I just woke up from my shower
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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