i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
