You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
no
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
one might say we're banned from that church
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
