i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Randomize
