This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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