Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
