walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
