Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You've changed since you got that strap on
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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