yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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