you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
