i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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