we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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