Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
