Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
