please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
